My Mum used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.
My Mum used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in icepack coolers, but I can't remember getting E.coli.
Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring)--no beach closures then.
We all took gym, not PE...and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion! soles and built-in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened, because they tell us how much safer we are now.
Flunking gym was not an option...even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.
Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.
We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then.
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.
I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.
And now this iPod thing. It can hold thousands of songs. Problem is, there isn't one song popular today that I care to listen to.
Oh yeah, and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!
We played "king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mum pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.
Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $79 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mum calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
We didn't act up at the neighbour’s house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked there and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.
I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop, just before he fell off. Little did his Mum know that she could have owned our house. Instead,
she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighbourhood run! amuck.
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that? We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?
LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA, AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T--SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED. I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING!!!!
Showing posts with label laughter. Show all posts
Showing posts with label laughter. Show all posts
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Never argue with a Woman
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn, the wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies. (Thinking, "Isn't it obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you Could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day, ma'am," and he left. . . .
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
This email was passed to me in 2005 and was one I kept for moments like this. Gives me a giggle everytime I read it!
** I don’t know why a resort in northern Minnesota, but could be anywhere in the world.
Look out for part 2 tomorrow!
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies. (Thinking, "Isn't it obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you Could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day, ma'am," and he left. . . .
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
This email was passed to me in 2005 and was one I kept for moments like this. Gives me a giggle everytime I read it!
** I don’t know why a resort in northern Minnesota, but could be anywhere in the world.
Look out for part 2 tomorrow!
Saturday, February 20, 2010
PONDERISMS
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Elmo
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. Well Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 a.m. The next day at 8:45am, there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that
she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the two men marched down to the factory floor. When they get there the Elmo line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pull's himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.............
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".
she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the two men marched down to the factory floor. When they get there the Elmo line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pull's himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.............
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".
Saturday, February 6, 2010
A Walmart that sells husbands
A Walmart store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas, TX where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. Among the instructions at the entrance, is a description of how the store operates. There are only 6 floors. It states that the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch....
As you open the door to any floor you may choose any man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So, a woman goes to the Walmart Husband Store to find a husband......
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the
housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,012 to this floor! There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping Wal-Mart's Husband Store.
Watch your step as you exit the building - and have a nice day!
There is, however, a catch....
As you open the door to any floor you may choose any man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So, a woman goes to the Walmart Husband Store to find a husband......
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the
housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,012 to this floor! There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping Wal-Mart's Husband Store.
Watch your step as you exit the building - and have a nice day!
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Dangerous Virus
There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally, and by hand.
This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take 2 good friends to the nearest pub.
Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE).
The quickest acting WINE type is called Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-All-Zones (SHIRAZ) but this is only available for those who can afford it. The next best equivalent is Cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
If you do not believe this you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. This virus is DEADLY!
Update 06-11-2009
After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.
This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take 2 good friends to the nearest pub.
Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE).
The quickest acting WINE type is called Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-All-Zones (SHIRAZ) but this is only available for those who can afford it. The next best equivalent is Cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
If you do not believe this you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. This virus is DEADLY!
Update 06-11-2009
After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Six Affairs to Remember
The First Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell sleep, awakening around 8:00 PM.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
****
The Second Affair:
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try to have a son. A month of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.
The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" He gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"
****
The Third Affair:
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's scaling. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
****
The Fourth Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
****
The Fifth Affair:
A man walks into a night club one night.. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the man.
"4 cents," the bartender replied.
"Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."
****
The Sixth Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"Becky, my darling," he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent.. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "relax, let the poison work."
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell sleep, awakening around 8:00 PM.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
****
The Second Affair:
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try to have a son. A month of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.
The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" He gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"
****
The Third Affair:
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's scaling. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
****
The Fourth Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
****
The Fifth Affair:
A man walks into a night club one night.. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the man.
"4 cents," the bartender replied.
"Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."
****
The Sixth Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"Becky, my darling," he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent.. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "relax, let the poison work."
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Things You Should Know, but Probably Don't
The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle".
A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww). That's why the nickname "Fish Lips" must have been created.
Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.
Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
Leonardo DA Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time hence, multi-tasking was invented.)
Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!
There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!
Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!
Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.
A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww). That's why the nickname "Fish Lips" must have been created.
Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.
Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
Leonardo DA Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time hence, multi-tasking was invented.)
Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!
There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!
Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!
Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
In 5 years – I don’t think anything has changed, has it?
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends you know you want to!
As you can see 2005 is frequent in many posts recently – but all are topical!
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends you know you want to!
As you can see 2005 is frequent in many posts recently – but all are topical!
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Male vs Female ATM Procedures:
A new sign in the bank lobby reads: "Please note that this bank is installing new drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Reinsert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Retrieve cash and receipt.
15. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of chequebook
16. Check makeup.
17. Drive forward 2 feet.
18. Reverse back to cash machine and retrieve card.
19. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
20. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
21. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
22. Redial person on cell phone.
23. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
24. Release Parking Brake.
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Reinsert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Retrieve cash and receipt.
15. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of chequebook
16. Check makeup.
17. Drive forward 2 feet.
18. Reverse back to cash machine and retrieve card.
19. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
20. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
21. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
22. Redial person on cell phone.
23. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
24. Release Parking Brake.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Fun Facts
In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and
Wilma Flintstone.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David, Hearts - Charlemagne, Clubs -Alexander the Great, Diamonds - Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the
last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer
to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, his period was called the honey month . which we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them “Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Man Of The House
A husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'.
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The f#*&ing funeral director would be my guess."
Saturday, December 5, 2009
The Simple Things in Life
A little girl had been shopping with her Mum in Target. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Target.
We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.
The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in "Mum, let's run through the rain," she said. "What?" Mum asked.
"Lets run through the rain!" She repeated.
"No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit," Mum replied.
This young child waited about another minute and repeated: "Mum, let's run through the rain,"
"We'll get soaked if we do," Mum said.
"No, we won't, Mum. That's not what you said this morning," the young girl said as she tugged at her Mum's arm.
This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?
"Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, 'If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!"
The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn't hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes.
Mum paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.
"Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If GOD lets us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing," Mum said.
Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars.
And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.
Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories...So, don't forget to make time and take the opportunities to make memories everyday. To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven.
I HOPE YOU STILL TAKE THE TIME TO RUN THROUGH THE RAIN.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them. Send this to the people you'll never forget and remember to also send it to the person who sent it to you. It's a short message to let them know that you'll never forget them.
Take the time to live!!!
Keep in touch with your friends, you never know when you'll need each other -- and don't forget to run in the rain!
This is another email that was sent to me in 2005 – the message is the same then as it is now. – Don’t forget to enjoy life and smell the flowers occasionally.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Silly Saturday
Every Saturday for a little while, which could be weeks or months, I’m going to post the classic funny emails that get circulated.
These are only the crème de la crème and should give you a bit of a giggle, so look out next Saturday for the first of the crop!
If you have any you would like added to the collection - leave comment (with your email) Comment WON'T be published but we then have a means on contact!
These are only the crème de la crème and should give you a bit of a giggle, so look out next Saturday for the first of the crop!
If you have any you would like added to the collection - leave comment (with your email) Comment WON'T be published but we then have a means on contact!
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