Post 58
On the 15th May 1998 I was involved in car V truck accident, that saw a commodore shortened by 3 foot either end. The following entries are from a diary I kept at the time.
It’s now 13 years later and the pain is still here – the TAC of course have wiped their hands of me. I learnt a long time ago that the only person you can rely on is you and it’s something that has stood me in good stead for longer than I can remember.
Dated - Today
2 car accidents, 1 bruised and battered marriage, no long-term job, A decade missing from my life (I don't remember much of this period), 2 children now young adults, who grew up with a missing mother. $2,500 from the TAC as 'compensation', but in the good news we've managed to keep the house, even though the debt collectors were knocking.
I gather the reason that I never received any more money from the TAC was because the arsehole boss, never filled in the paperwork, the doctors didn't honour their oaths, and like always I'm left swinging in the wind.
I have trouble walking most of the time, even 13 years later. I still have many aches and pains and when things get beyond that I chew on painkillers, which are never far away. The only benefit (which is also a disadvantage) is that somewhere in a Melbourne Hospital there is a patient admission record that has the words "Severely Bruised" crossed out and the word broken inserted. Due to this event and the subsequent post as linked. Yeah or Boo for high pain thresholds. Not sure which is better.
I did once consider ending it all (insert here the forbidden words:- suicide, killing yourself, selfishness, self-hate, self-loathing and so much more) - it would have been so much easier and so much less painful (for me), but I realised that wasn't the answer. I just had to suck it up and deal with it.
If you are wondering where our families were, my husbands parents have passed on and my parents weren't interested in either their grandchildren or daughter. so it was was sink or swim.
I am lucky, I still have a husband, even after 13 years of hell and plenty more to come. We've been married 23 years this year (2011)
I can't sit in a car for longer than 4 hours and that decreases the longer I sit in said car, so sit for 4 hours, next break to be 3 hours etc etc. This rules out international air flight and many other things people take for granted.
We still have wood heating, but we have fairies and sometimes I don't know who those fairies are, but they deliver trailer loads of wood when we are not home. None of the neighbours admit to anything nor claim to see anything. Mostly the wood comes in whole pieces and still needs to be broken down (Split) which I can't do, but hubby can do this as the wood is dropped in the driveway and we have lights there.
We still collect wood, but with the Victorian Bushfires, we now have access to private property which we have exclusive rights to access fallen timber and cut and bring home, or even cut and leave to be picked up at a later time.
We no longer need to cart water, as we managed to replace the old broken tank with several new ones and increase our water holding by 500%.
I can still smile about lots of things, and now the kids are considerably older, life is certainly easier.
Housework still doesn't get done, but I've learnt that sometimes a dirty floor is not a cardinal sin and if you don't like it - you don't have to visit.
I no longer believe in the medical system, the justice system or even government. I have come to realise that the bureaucracy is bigger than any of us and if you allow it - you will be gobbled up and spat out if you even go near them.
You may have noticed that there were huge holes in this story and that is because I have thrown many pages out, or recycled the paper for other things when times were tough. I don't know where those entries are and I'm not going to pretend they exist when they no longer do.
The whole 'event' almost didn't see the light of day, I almost throw it out also, but then decided that a decade later maybe I should share it, to show people that a life-changing event is not necessarily a life ending event. So that is what you see before you in the previous posts.
If you are reading about this for the first time, you can start reading HERE - THE BEGINNING
The TAC did say to me at one point in time, that Hubby is meant to care for me, but they failed to take into consideration (even though I told them this) he employs apprentices and if an apprentice hurts himself whilst unsupervised, he (my husband) can go to jail for lack of care. That's Workcovers rule and why he hasn't been able to help much. He has to work, to generate income and supervise idiot apprentices, so that they too can also still have a job.
It hasn't been easy sharing these posts, there have been many tears and thoughts of 'what if' and 'if only' but I have learnt those words mean little unless you help yourself.
Take care out there. You're here for the long-term, life isn't always fun, but you can learn from it.
I would like to say that my darling husband deserves a medal for all the shit I've put him through and still to put him through. I look around and realise that a lesser man would have abandoned me in my time of need. I love you darling.
~When given lemons, make lemonade~
~Squeezing the lemon juice into the eyes of others, only brings temporary relief to your pain~
THE END
(Imagine the Bugs Bunny Ending about here)
Post 1 - The Beginning
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
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Even though they have been very repetitive, you in pain, I have read the posts. You have my approval for ultimately always getting on with it. Like you had a choice? Good that you got it down on the record.
ReplyDeleteYes, repetitive, but when you don’t think straight – life goes in circles and 13 years ago, my life was one big never ending circle of pain. Other than this entry all the other entries where written as dated.
ReplyDeleteThere is hope at the end of the tunnel, but sometimes the train coming towards you, blocks all the light.
I shared this part of my life in the hope that someone who needs it reds it and stops them considering/doing what I was so tempted to do
The plight of a chronic pain sufferer, is repetitive, and yes morbid. Pain is something that many discount, after all it is subjective. If I kick my big toe, or do my shin on the tow bar of a car, it is a rare and shocking occurrence. Therefore the pain is pronounced, but having a high tolerance, it lasts for what is a shorter time than for most. People, mostly, cannot relate to the idea that if you hit someone in the head once, they get hurt, do it repeatedly, they learn to cope with it. Look at a boxer for example, in fact they are lauded for their strength. Fights though last a couple of rounds, when the round is never ending, it affects a lot more than your physical being. When you are in pain all the time, when it's deep to the core pain like that,it skews your thinking and faith in yourself. As well as your ability to deal with little things, gets a bit crappy as well. Having thoughts that are wanting it all over are natural, fighting on is not. Trying to explain it to other people, is the ultimate confidence killer, because you have to tell people how bad it is when you are hiding how bad it is for your own sanity. Catch 22, you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. SO mush of your energy is taken up with coping, hiding the pain, and keeping up a brave face for others that you lose a lot of your ability to speak your mind and observe a lot. Chronic pain is as much physical as it is mental, you can go to a place in your mind where you don't hurt, but it's hard work to do it. It affects all other areas in your life though. You become less assertive, unable to communicate fully, competently, get your ideas across, because you are mentally too tired to talk, all your energy goes into the actual physical effort that goes into everyday life and work, and you don't have the energy left to get your point across to people when you speak. Or when you do talk people fell there is an air of negativity to what you say. These may all be symptoms, but over time, people build an impression of you when you have your shields up and eventually that sticks. Making it really hard to make a point, or to be taken seriously. The air of scepticism that comes with a long term pain condition, that other people project is probably the most debilitating, apparently, if you are in that much pain you should be lying down somewhere. My biggest sad after all this time is that I cannot string a sentence together in a serious conversation. Feeling isolated, misunderstood, stupid cause I can't get a point across, because I don't have the energy to argue with people, and then when I get carte Blanche to talk about how I feel I'm not taken seriously, cause I don't have the energy spare to get it right. That's how it feels anyway. The dark days come and go, but all the energy that I put into getting on with it, seems to pre-empt that stuff. I wouldn't fight if I didn't know I was worth it, but it's easy to doubt I'm worth it, being lost in a world where my participation, quite often achieves more than the able around me. It's a life with a multitude of questions, isolated, but not alone. It's a hard experience to share, because it is long term, and by it's nature muted. Living in silence is probably the most destructive element of any chronic pain condition, you learn no one want's to know, after the doctors dismiss you.
ReplyDeleteThere is hope at the end of the tunnel, but sometimes the train coming towards you, blocks all the light.
or just looks like a step in the right direction. In my case at the moment, I think it's time to get the tram, get a different ride. I think it's time to go somewhere where my story is not
"There is hope at the end of the tunnel, but sometimes the train coming towards you, blocks all the light."
ReplyDeleteHow true and more than once I think I made reference to something similar.
Thank-you for the comment